If you aren’t already using these useful apps to enhance your life, what are you waiting for?

1 Get the day started right with YET?

I use this app each morning. It uses facial-recognition software and sophisticated algorithms to verify that one is still alive. To save time, I use it to check myself out before I go to the trouble of getting out of bed. So far, it hasn’t been wrong even once.

2 Put your best foot forward with MATCH.

This app is a great way to ensure that you look your best before venturing out in public. It uses your phone’s camera to capture an image of your lower extremities and alert you if your shoes or socks don’t match. Simple but effective.

3 Streamline travel arrangements with FLY NOW.

Just select an exotic destination from the menu and type in the number of gorgeous, international super models in today’s entourage, and the app dispatches a jet of exactly the right size from your fleet. There’s also a version for yachts, but I haven’t tried it yet.

4 Make more memorable entrance with TA DA.

TA DA is an app that plays my theme song every time I enter a room. Simple but effective way to add gravitas and a dash of drama without the bother of being followed everywhere by my court musicians.

5 Eliminate distractions efficiently with HIT.

HIT allows you to post an assignment and get hooked up with qualified ninja, fixer, or goon fast. Perfect for occasions when you’re too busy to throw a pie in a victim’s face yourself or when you can’t be bothered to get scary taxidermy or other props on your own. The app gives you a discount if you can provide each victim’s work or home address.

These are my current favorites. The world is full of unusual, utilitarian apps. Is there one you find indispensable?

Don
Pittsburgh, March 21, 2019