You’re smart. You already know that humans beings like to receive praise. We never tire of hearing expressions of admiration for our wisdom, skills, accomplishments, or good looks. The praise doesn’t even have to be true to trigger positive feelings and boost confidence.

Kings and queens have understood this for centuries and surrounded themselves with fawning toadies who dished out praise 24x7. Now, all the technological elements seem to be available to make praise like this a constant part of everyone’s life. Ladies and gentlemen, let me present...

Flattermatic—
the world’s first autonomous affirmation drone.

Here’s how it works...

1
Full-time flattery. Your personal Flattermatic unit flies above you all day monitoring your activities and offering praise at optimum intervals by speaking to you in the language, accent, and gender you choose. You can control the level of fawning that is most comfortable with seven distinct smarminess settings.

2

Praise when you need it most. Facial-recognition software and advanced, artificial intelligence modules detect the exact moment when you need a boost and trigger Flattermatic to blast you with encouragement any time you are feeling vulnerable.

3
Adjustable. Using simple voice commands, you can adjust Flattermatic’s settings to increase volume, frequency, and accolades to the level you find most comfortable.

4

Silence critics. If anyone tries to criticize you, Flattermatic will automatically increase its volume to neutralize critiques from any auditory source.

5
Outreach. Flattermatic’s robototic arms can amplify emotional support and encouragement with applause at four different levels. And when appropriate, these arms will give you a pat on the back or hug.

Are you ready for a life filled with constant praise and adulation? Me too. It’s good to finally see technology being put to good use. I must be a genius. Applause.

Don
Pittsburgh, November 29, 2017