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Thoughts on Silver Pants

In a recent fashion issue of the weekend Wall Street Journal, I was startled by an article about shiny, metallic clothing. I saw a model wearing trousers that looked similar to my favorite khakis but in a bright, reflective material much like aluminum foil. Wow! The experience unleashed a cascade of questions.


Don, do you own any silver trousers?Sadly, the answer was no. I couldn’t find any metallic items in my wardrobe. No aluminum hats. No bronze boxers. No titanium t-shirts. Nothing. Perhaps it is time for a comprehensive re-evaluation and a shopping trip. 

Don, were you aware that shimmering clothes make a bold and defining fashion statement? No. I’ve always associated silver pants with those guys pouring molten metal to make ingots in a foundry. I never understood that metallic garments “lend a sense of occasion to everyday wear and add a hint of glitz.” Everyone could use more glitz, right?

Would silver pants have thermodynamic issues? My chief concern would be overheating. I pictured baking a potato in an aluminum-foil jacket. Would wearing silver pants for an extended period of time lead to spontaneous combustion?

Do you have time to maintain your metallic pants? How will laundry and ironing change? Do you need welding equipment? Will you need to change your normally dismissive attitude toward tarnish? Are magnets going to be a problem? While there may be clear benefits to increasing the level of shimmer in your wardrobe, can you devote the extra time needed to brush up on your knowledge of metallurgy?

Don, what else are you missing?Until you read the WSJ article, you didn’t even know that metallic pants existed. What other ingenious innovations have escaped your attention? Does the world contain other marvels of which you are unaware? Are you oblivious to vital advances? Are you missing out on things like flying cars, transmogrification appliances, and chocolate-covered bacon?

Perhaps it is time to start paying more attention.

Pittsburgh, September 20, 2017

8 Responses


October 18, 2017

I once made a pair of aluminum pants out of flashing. They were unwearable because they were too stiff. I couldn’t even get them on even though they were my size.

Laurell Millheim

October 02, 2017

Could give a whole new meaning to “flashing” someone. Would you need to wear roller blades or skates with these metal pants? difficult to walk I’d think. Also, the entire concept of answering the call of nature is mind boggling, maybe you could just take a message?


September 21, 2017

I remember the duck-t tape thang. I’ll stick with comfies, thanx.

Flashback Time

September 21, 2017

Once upon a time in 1974 there was a costume party in where some budgetminded guests raided the dorm kitchens for industrial rolls of heavy duty foil for making imaginative attire. Someone who may or may not have been me dropped a tab of acid and tripped on the black lights, cool posters and flashy clothing. Then someone’s parents sent a message that they’d arrived at a nearby motel for a surprise visit…


September 21, 2017

Talk about calamity-wear!

Peedee Wyre

September 21, 2017

Roasted nuts, anyone?

Edward Scissorpants

September 21, 2017


- When you go to the car wash, just send yourself through, too. No more laundry! - If you’re careful about styles, no need to change before going to the Renaissance faire. - No need to carry a pocket knife. Your pocket is a knife.


- Operating the junk yard car-crane is incompatible with this line of clothing. - Unless similar material is used to construct your furniture, you may soon need new furniture. - Sneaking up on people is remarkably difficult while clanking.


September 21, 2017

Do you suppose that too much wearing of these clothes could demagnetize your credit cards? Or turn the wearers into something from Karel Capek’s brave new world of R.U.R.? The mind boggles.

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