In a recent fashion issue of the weekend Wall Street Journal, I was startled by an article about shiny, metallic clothing. I saw a model wearing trousers that looked similar to my favorite khakis but in a bright, reflective material much like aluminum foil. Wow! The experience unleashed a cascade of questions.

1
Don, do you own any silver trousers?Sadly, the answer was no. I couldn’t find any metallic items in my wardrobe. No aluminum hats. No bronze boxers. No titanium t-shirts. Nothing. Perhaps it is time for a comprehensive re-evaluation and a shopping trip. 

2
Don, were you aware that shimmering clothes make a bold and defining fashion statement? No. I’ve always associated silver pants with those guys pouring molten metal to make ingots in a foundry. I never understood that metallic garments “lend a sense of occasion to everyday wear and add a hint of glitz.” Everyone could use more glitz, right?

3
Would silver pants have thermodynamic issues? My chief concern would be overheating. I pictured baking a potato in an aluminum-foil jacket. Would wearing silver pants for an extended period of time lead to spontaneous combustion?

4
Do you have time to maintain your metallic pants? How will laundry and ironing change? Do you need welding equipment? Will you need to change your normally dismissive attitude toward tarnish? Are magnets going to be a problem? While there may be clear benefits to increasing the level of shimmer in your wardrobe, can you devote the extra time needed to brush up on your knowledge of metallurgy?

5
Don, what else are you missing?Until you read the WSJ article, you didn’t even know that metallic pants existed. What other ingenious innovations have escaped your attention? Does the world contain other marvels of which you are unaware? Are you oblivious to vital advances? Are you missing out on things like flying cars, transmogrification appliances, and chocolate-covered bacon?

Perhaps it is time to start paying more attention.

Don
Pittsburgh, September 20, 2017