We live in dangerous times with threats everywhere. It’s your job to make sure security at your castle is tight. Here are four issues that may have been neglected during the summer. For your safety, I urge you to attend to them soon.
1. Perimeter maintenance. Check the fetid waters of your moat for leaks. Confirm that your fill level is correct after the dry days of summer. Check the condition of whatever predators you use to discourage swimmers (sharks, crocodiles, cephalopods, etc.) If any of these monsters have wandered off during the summer, have your minions bring them back. Make sure they are all hungry. (The monsters that is, not the minions.)
This is also a great time for draw-bridge repairs. And while you are at it, why not have the service technicians check your catapults, trebuchets, and guillotine.
This is also the best time of the year to restock the menacing projectiles you plan to hurl down on invaders.
2. Body Doubles. Inspect your doubles to make sure they still look like you and each has the right wardrobe. Use their annual performance review to confirm that they are still motivated to do the things you don’t want to do. If additional training is needed (dance lessons, karaoke practice, curtsy drills, etc.), you’ll still have time to complete it before the busy holiday season.
You want all your doubles to be available to attend in your place those events that are going to be too boring or too dangerous to attend yourself—birthday parties, musical recitals, and riots.
This is also the best time to review your food taster to make sure he or she is ready to detect any toxins your enemies send your way for the holidays, such as kryptonite or raisins.
3. Your personal gear. The end of summer is a great time to inventory your super weapons and paraphernalia to ensure that everything is in working order. Pay attention to worn parts and replace tired batteries. When you get back to work after a long summer, you want your ominous-mega-death-ray gun to function at full power in the event of a robot uprising or zombie fest.
If you have a magic sword, make sure your spells are all current. Pay attention to any updates that may have been released since you used it last spring.
Take special care when cleaning your cloak of invisibility. More of those things disappear in the wash than you’d believe.
4. Escape. Whether you prefer escape hatches, trap doors, or concealed openings in wall panels, this is the time of year to ensure that your escape appliances are all ready to serve you. Declutter your escape tunnels to make sure your path to safety is unobstructed.
Get out the WD-40 to lubricate hinges. You don’t want a telltale squeak to betray your escape efforts to any pesky alien invaders or the rampaging rabble.
With timely maintenance now, you can face the new season with poise. Believe me, nothing boosts one’s confidence like a fully tested and functional, ominous-mega-death-ray gun.
Don—Pittsburgh, August 25, 2021