Malevolent Household Spirits
If you are like me, your home may host dozens of invisible spirits that cause you countless inconveniences. That's why people seek the magic protection of a kitchen witch...someone with the mojo to cancel the evils of nasty spirits.
Here is a brief introduction to some of the malevolent spirits you may find in your home and the ills associated with each.
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Source of kitchen fires, overcooked veggies, scorched eggs, blazing toast, and burnt lasagna. The reason your smoke detector squawks.
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Skilled at toppling cups, mugs, glasses, bottles, bowls, and pots. Sometimes she is assisted by your pets.
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Highly qualified breaker of glass, crystal, porcelain, and mirrors. Basically, his specialty is anything that can be cracked, chipped, or shattered.
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Able to stir people, pets, and pests into action when all should be asleep.
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Nothing stays clean when she is on hand to befoul with smudges, stains, smears, and blotches of every size, shape, and color.
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He makes your refrigerator vegetable drawer his base of operations but is alert for opportunities all over the house. He’s a "fun gi."
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Who invites vermin into your home? She ensures there's always room for more field mice, bats, pantry moths, cockroaches, ants, flies, and wolverines.
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An unexcelled expert at obstructing pipes of any size, usually at the worst possible time. No one blocks it better.
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What’s that smell? You are not alone. She’s here too—in the cat box, in the back of the refrigerator, under the sink, and in the hamper.
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Who could guess that he’d stay this long? It now looks like he might never leave. Just another pestiferous part of the family.
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You know, socks can’t venture off on their own. Some insidious imp is stealing them. Might also explain why you can't find the cap for your pen and why the cookie jar is empty.
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Of course, this is only a partial list of the goblins that might infest your home. Did I fail to mention any evils you are hosting at your house?
While it is unusual to have them all at the same time, it is not impossible. That's why you might want to procure the services of a good kitchen witch. When she is on duty, some things may still go wrong...but it could be even worse.
Speaking of kitchen witches, you might want to check out the Kitchen-Witch Canister project on Kickstarter through January 30, 2022.
Don—Pittsburgh, January 25, 2022
Comments on this post (28)
Most of these creatures are replaced in my and my maternal families’ homes by Juleniessen. They are household gnomes that like to cause a bit of trouble. When you put down your pen, and look back to find it is missing. You search the desktop, the floor, your pocket but it has vanished. Then you look back on the desk and there it is. The glory of it is, you aren’t crazy, it is the Juleniessen. They hide the keys that must be home because both you and your car are present. They are also fond of gumming up the works of various appliances but, of course, when the repair guy shows up the unit is fine.
They can be appeased by placing a saucer of milk on the floor. I have found it easier to believe in them than not. They cause less trouble that way.
— Carrie Achilles
I had a visit from Mr. Smithereens only a week after my Calamityware travel mug arrived 😢. Oh well, things could be worse!
— Monica Cahill
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE make set of prints of these!!! Perfect housewarming gift. Love your humor and your creations.
— LJ
Great Job.
— Lillie Lane
There’s also The Sacramento FedEx Slob who has again (second time!!!) stopped progress of a shipment of Calamityware from reaching its destination at my PO box in Berkeley.
— Judy Bertelsen
You bet I’d be interested in an “uncle covid” frameable print ;)
— Gwendolyn F Neideffer
Thumper. Makes random loud sounds during the day or darkest night. The dilemma… investigate or pretend I didn’t hear.
— Babs
Now I want a charm bracelet with all these little creatures on it! Maybe if I honor them they would help me out?? Plus it would be extremely cute.
Great one, Don & crew. Love this. Thanks for all you do!
— Zoe
Mr Moyer,
I cannot possibly express the sheer joy & instantaneous endorphin rush I get whenever I
(dare) peek at your Work. (I do not participate in Social Media. I also don’t shop online. You may be impressed to know that I do not have an Amazon account.) You are Above & Beyond!!! Bobbie
— Bobbie
Love it love it love it. How to make household messes and such fun and entertaining. Thank you Carol
— Carol Cintron
Don,
omg…what fun to have readily visual “calamity” on kitchen counters!
Thank you!
Gwen H.
— Gwen I Harada
Seems like these may need to be offered as prints so we can frame the “most wanted” on our walls?
— margaret
I hope my kitchen witch canisters will help repel some of these demons
— Laura
It’s amazing how close your images are to the pictures in my mind. Are you plugging into the collective unconscious?
— Clifford Young
And Dust Bunnies? The ones that stampede through my house. What does your version look like?
And is Smirch the same as the dog nose marks on windows? You may know of the ones that appear on clean windows when no dog has been near the window. Or is there a different one? There should be!
— Gail-Lee McDermott
These are fantastic and terrifying. I need these on some merch. Maybe some heavy-duty coffee mugs? (My other Calamityware mugs feel more delicate and “special occasion”.
— Joe
Please, please, pleeease turn these into trading cards!! I’d buy a set for every member of my family!
— Dolly
Best of luck with the latest Kickstarter project! I’ve encouraged friends to participate, but (unfortunately), people my age are downsizing…But! They’d make perfect gifts for the grandchildren!
I would love to see a laminated poster of the first 9 Malevolent Spirits that could be a wipe-clean backsplash over my range!
Hopefully, #10 will eventually fade into history—not soon, but some day… #11 I know who steals my socks—my puppy, Tallulah!
Maureen
#RegeCordicRules!
— Maureen Metcalfe
It’s a Family Album!
Or a Wanted-Dead-or-Alive poster!
Thank you for the identification guide, mental imagery, and 2-D DELIGHT!
— Claudette Dorsey
I’d add Leakie. What’s that dripping sound? Where’d that puddle come from???
Also, I’d count wolverines as slightly more than pernicious.
— Kelly Fisher
“Uncle Covid” hahahaha
— Hannah Pearce
Lmao
— Mary
Uncle Covid came to our house a few days before Christmas and left something under the tree for us to open later. Fortunately we were well armored and did not die. -Liz Woedl
— Liz Woedl
Hahaha! Mr. Smithereens! Where’s the one who breaks appliances at the worst time?
— Cindy Mills
Hi Don:
In my house we have a problem with Linticulars – fearsome fleet flyby floaters that fling fine fur, tissue dander, towel tidbits, fleece fuzz, and dust bunnies on freshly washed clothes, furniture surfaces, and under the bed. Sneaky little pests – you can only catch a glimpse of them if the sun is at the perfect angle to reflect on their lanugo. Can’t wait for my witches to arrive and set the little buggers fleeing.
All the best.
— Penny