Picture your favorite natural history museum 40,000 years from now. There in the glass display case, among the Trilobite specimens and the bones of ancient Labradoodles, is a perfectly preserved Don Fossil. That’s where I’ve always assumed I’d end up. But recently I learned that getting in that position is much harder than I realized. Like so many new things I learn, this was a crushing disappointment.
Let me share the six main reasons becoming a fossil is so difficult.
1. First, you must die.That alone is a pretty disagreeable detail that I’d personally prefer to avoid.
2. When dead, one must avoid being eaten by scavengers, micro-organisms, fungi, etc. And don’t let anyone burn you up.
3. One’s body must immediately come to rest in some obligingly fine, oxygen-free gloop. Fine silt is the preferred choice.
4. For some of us, this next step is relatively easy. Lay still for thousands of years. No wiggling or jiggling while all the molecules in your remains are gradually replaced by sturdy minerals. Don’t rush this process.
5. Get found. Your exquisite fossil now has to be discovered by a competent specialist with connections to the museum. The team has got to come to your site with their tiny tools and detect your amazing specimen before their funding runs out or the fossil poachers get to you.
6. Finally, someone at the museum has got to build the display case, install lights, and make your label. After all that, they’ll probably misspell “Donosaur."
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Maybe the fossil strategy isn’t right for me. I’ll have to look into cryogenics or taxidermy. Or how to make a good mummy.
Don—Pittsburgh, July 25, 2023
Kerry
August 14, 2023
So many factors…ugh
I took taxidermy twice in college btw and humans are still illegal, sorry
I did read that Roy Rogers wanted to be stuffed and displayed on his horse…denied…love your stuff and getting my christmas list together to include the puzzles, and an apron and tote.bag or 2!