Normally, when you are sleeping, part of your brain shuts off nerve signals to prevent your body from acting out every detail of your silly dreams. Last night, my shut-off malfunctioned. The results were rousing.
At 2:10 AM, Dreaming Don was in an ordinary dream conversation with a fanged and furry creature. The dream creature was something like a wolverine. Let’s call it a wolverine. Suddenly, the wolverine lunged at Dreaming Don. Naturally, Dreaming Don lurched away and as a result of that violent action threw Sleeping Don out of bed. Sleeping Don landed on his head and suddenly became Awake Don—on the floor in a confusion of blankets with a throbbing head, aching neck, and sore back. Sleeping Karen and Dreaming Karen immediately became Awake Karen, who wanted to know what had happened. I explained about the wolverine. All the Karen’s were sympathetic but also pressed me to restore their missing blankets.
The fall on my head really rang my bell.
New normal? This whole misadventure was a first. I couldn’t recall throwing myself out of bed since I had moved out of my crib 70 years ago.
Aging has brought me a steady parade of inconvenient novelties that have settled in and become permanent afflictions. So, I had to ask myself, is this throwing-myself-out-of-bed-on-my-head innovation going to become the new normal?
What should I do? It wouldn’t be practical to go back to sleeping in a crib with high, safety sides because, these days, about every two hours I need to become Peeing Don.
Strapping myself down with some kind of safety harness also wouldn’t be practical for Peeing Don and I would have the added danger of becoming entangled in safety straps and choking.
On the grounds of impracticality, I also had to reject adhesive bed sheets, velcro pajamas, and "The Bed Web."
So far, my best idea is the Softie Sleep Helmet (TM). It’s a big, padded orb one can strap to one’s noggin at bedtime. Thus equipped, you can land repeatedly on your head until morning with no risk of injury. A properly fitted Softie Sleep Helmet (TM) (see illustration) makes pillows superfluous and also helps cancel distracting noises. It could be available in colors and patterns to match your pajamas. Brilliant, right?
I wish I’d thought of this wonderful invention before last night’s wolverine attack.
Don—Pittsburgh, February 23, 2021